Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
