I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
