She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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