I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
