He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
