I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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