How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
