you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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