guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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