It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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