i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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