Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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