I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
