i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
