I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
