you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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