she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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