I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This is classic penis vs brain.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
