Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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