1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
farters have to be the big spoon...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
