Already got asked if we're dating
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
