my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
