You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
