I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
