so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
