who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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