That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
