and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
