You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
