I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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