It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
