My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The power of my boobs compel you
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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