i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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