I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
