does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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