dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
