I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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