He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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