Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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