Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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