do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
