I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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