i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
