Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
