You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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