Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
