The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
