he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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