we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
