Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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